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Jamboroo! (Sort of)

Illustration for article titled Jamboroo! (Sort of)

It just doesn’t feel right, does it? Here we are, a Thursday in football season, and the Jamboroo has died its untimely death.

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Well, I may not be Drew Magary, nor did I have the time to reach the levels of depth needed for a full Jamboroo, but I’ll be damned if the Jamboroo will just cease to exist.

What is dead will never die. And there’s no room left in hell, so we walk the earth.

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This has been the whirlwind of all whirlwinds. We never really got to say goodbye, did we? When Gawker died, we had the chance to say farewell in a great post. We didn’t get goodbyes for Splinter, and the Deadspin that was. What remains is a shell of its former self, but God bless Samer for soldiering on if only for a little longer.

We are not here to surrender to Jim Spockfucker or whatever his name is. The resistance is live, and the revolution will be haphazardly blogged.

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The Games

As always, they are evaluated on a watchability of throwgasms. With apologies to Drew, I’m borrowing the graphics.

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Illustration for article titled Jamboroo! (Sort of)

Five Throwgasms!

Patriots at Ravens: I’m given to understand the Pats D is actually really good this year, but on the same token they’ve played a series of teams that are going out of their way to suck more than your average vacuum. That they haven’t pitched 8 shutouts with that lineup is absurd. As a reminder, it was as follows: Browns, Jets, Giants, Racists, Bills, Jets, Dolphins, Steelers. Yuck.

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Lamar Jackson is going to be a lot harder to contain than that, and may very well expose the Pats as merely taking advantage of teams that don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.

Illustration for article titled Jamboroo! (Sort of)
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Four Throwgasms

Texans at Jaguars: Look, Gardner Minshew can’t keep this up...right? Well, now that he won’t have JJ Watt bearing down on him, maybe he can for at least another game. The Jags are ridiculous this year, and I can’t not root for White Goodman on this team. It’s ridiculous.

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Vikings at Chiefs: It’s always humorous to watch Kirk Cousins choke away a game(sorry not sorry, Drew. Lions fan). The Chiefs surprised us all by putting up a good fight last week, so this game is either going to be great for its comedy of errors aspect, or the shootout will be on.

Illustration for article titled Jamboroo! (Sort of)
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Three Throwgasms

49ers at Cardinals: 7-0? It’s gotta be weird to put Nick “MAGA” Bosa’s history out of your mind when he is being this good, eh Niner fan? I don’t envy you. Also seems like the Jimmy G argument can be put on the back burner.

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Lions at Raiders

Colts at Steelers

Bears at Eagles

Packers at Chargers

Illustration for article titled Jamboroo! (Sort of)
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Two Throwgasms

Browns at Broncos: That Super Bowl or bust thing isn’t working out so well. Joe Flacco got himself rear-ended by a bus or something, so he’s DOA for a while. That leaves...who? Is Case Keenum still on this team? No? Paxton Lynch? Is Horseface coming out of retirement? Eh, fuck it.

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Titans at Panthers

Cowboys at Giants

Bucs at Seahawks

Racists at Bills

Illustration for article titled Jamboroo! (Sort of)
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One Throwgasm

Jets at Dolphins: The Toilet Bowl! This is where we find out if the Fish Tank is truly bottomless. Someone’s probably going to win this game, but in a perfect world the stadium would explode and save us the time. This is going to be sucktitude of epic proportions.

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Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall

Metal!

Also, they do a great cover of Alannah Myles’ classic, Black Velvet. The video is worth more throwgasms than that Dolphins came, that’s for sure.

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Gratuitous Simpsons Quote:

“What do you think, Marge? All I need now is a title. I was thinking along the lines of No TV and No Beer Make Homer Something Something.”

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Tada! It’s a cheap knockoff, but here it is. Hope Drew doesn’t mind.

—JC




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